MASH Trek
by Patronus Prime
Summary: MASH and Star Trek. While studying the Korean War, Kirk, Spock, Scotty, McCoy, Chekov and Chapel switch with Potter, Frank,Klinger,Hawkeye,Radar and Kelly. Will Kirk and gang survive in a primitive but goofy Mobile Army Surgical Hospital? Please Review
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer- I don't own Star Trek but I did ask them if I could (ok, begged at their feet) and I don't own MASH, but god knows I would love to

Captain's log: Star Date 2534.9

By using the slingshot maneuver, we have gone back in time to 1950's earth to make the study of the Korean War to add information to Memory Alpha's tapes on the era. Our…

Just as Kirk was about the complete the log entry, all the lights went out, even on the computers. The entire bridge was in complete blackness. With darkness pressing against his eyes, Kirk yelled as if he was completely alone, "Scotty! What happened to the power?"

"I don't know sir!" answered Scotty's frantic voice from his station "There was no report of power loss from engineering! We were in full power!

"Jim, what the devil's going on?" inquired McCoy's voice from behind Kirk. Suddenly, there was a thud, a yelp and another thud. On the floor right behind Kirk, McCoy's voice groaned with pain, "Jim, I think I found the railing."

"Sir, without life support systems, we'll either freeze or suffocate to death if we don't burn up in the planet's atmosphere first."

"Thank you, Mister Sulu," Kirk said sarcastically in an icy voice, "You are now appointed to moral officer."

"That would not necessary, Jim," Spock said, "Since without power we are all…"

Spock's voice stopped abruptly. Kirk thought that maybe he did not want to conclude to all the humans that they were all about to die, when all things within his touch disappeared. He was sitting on nothing, simply floating in complete darkness. He felt strangely free of all physical limitations. He could not breathe, but he also did not seem need to. He could not feel his heart, or the blood that was supposed to be coursing through his veins, or any part of his body. From all he could feel, all he was was a mind, floating without body in blackness. All he was a soul, a ghost, nothing but a thoughts and emotions uncontained by a body. Somehow, this did not frighten him; he was going somewhere, traveling through the blackness, though he could not physically feel it, he could _sense_ it. Then he sensed another just like him, coming closer and suddenly it joined with him. Two beings came to be one, much more together than a Vulcan mind meld, much more. It was an experience impossible to put into words. Emotions and memories flashed by, his own and the other's. Then he was himself again, not with the other. There was a burst of white light and he was in a body; all life functions resumed.

He remembered that he had experienced something like that before, but he could not remember when. All he could see was blinding light that made him squint and he heard a voice, a woman.

"Major Burns would like to say something, Corneal Potter."

The room came into focus after a few seconds, and he realized he was in an office, behind a large desk. In front of it, seated in chairs was the woman, who was pretty and blond with black roots, and a man, who had no chin or lips. They were both dressed in old earth army uniforms.

A second later he realized that he was on earth, and those were the uniforms were the ones of the Korean War.

Trying not to reveal his confusion, he said, "Umm… yes, major?" He was taken aback from his change of voice. It was much older and steelier.

The woman continued, "He has made a list of the things incorrect and immoral with this camp."

"Go on," Kirk replied, trying to make sure that he fit what they were seeing him as.

Suddenly the weasel looking man's face went completely blank, a few moments later he came out of it, his eyes squinted as if the light was intensified greatly. As Kirk was watched him, (The woman was ranting about the looseness of discipline, and how two men called "B.J." and "Hawkeye" stripped Major Burns naked in his sleep, put him in a skirt of newspaper and tied him to the flag pole with a cigar and blindfold) Major Burns's eyes turned from the deep blue to serious brown eyes. With a jolt, Kirk realized those were Spock's eyes. Kirk narrowed his eyes in confusion as they turned back to blue. The woman raised her voice and said to Kirk, "Are you even listening to me Corneal Potter?"

"Umm…major," Kirk said, noting the oak leave clusters on her uniform that signified that she was a major. "Would you leave us?"

As she opened her mouth he added, "That is a direct order."

The woman left in a huff through the swinging doors, as Kirk stood. He was much shorter than in his own body, and this body of Corneal Potter was much older and frailer, but strong.

"Spock, is that you?" Kirk questioned.

"Affirmative, sir" Spock replied, "Captain Kirk?"

Kirk felt relief wash over him, "Oh, Spock, I'm glad to see you."

Spock narrowed his eyes slightly in a moment of curiosity, "Were you in some kind of trouble?"

"No, Spock, I'm just glad to see you. I don't want to be the only one on this new adventure."


	2. Chapter 2 Lebanon Hula Dancer

I want to thank my reviewers of the first chapter, who made me get a move on on this one!

Disclaimer- I don't on Star Trek or MASH. Don't make me say anymore, cause I'm about to cry

Scotty squinted in the bright light as the scene around him came into focus. His body functions resumed, and he could feel again. Then he heard a voice.

"Klinger, are you ok?"

Scotty closed his eyes and nodded. The voice was young, like a teenager's but with a childlike innocence. When Scotty opened his eyes, a young man with was sitting across from him, looking at him with a spoonful of unappetizing gray stuff halfway to his mouth. He looked around and found that he was in a long olive green tent with tables and benches. Behind him, he saw a line of people getting food, and griping as the stuff was slopped onto their trays. In front of him, through the netting, he saw people playing with a dull orange ball and throwing it up into a hoop. (A word came from far back in his memory, the very old earth game of basketball.) Every person he saw was dressed in old earth green army fatigues.

"Where am I?" Scotty asked, that was pretty much all he could say. The way his voice came from his mouth took him aback greatly. His heavy Scottish accent was completely gone, and his voice was utterly different.

"In the mess tent," the young man said. Next to him, another man, this one with a small Christian cross on a thin silver chain, said in a kind voice.

"Klinger, is this the new way to get a section eight?"

"Section eight?" Scotty asked, completely puzzled.

"Come on, Klinger, knock it off," said the younger man. "Your dress is fantastic for a crazy person though."

"That one will get you the discharge, if Colonel Potter's in a confused mood," said the priest.

Scotty looked down at his clothing, what he saw shocked him. He was wearing a floor length skirt made completely of pink dyed grass, and two halves of coconuts around his chest. Thankfully, it was not him in the horrific outfit, but the character Klinger's hairy body.

'This is just a dream.' He thought to himself (In Scottish) 'I shouldn't have had those last glasses of scotch. When I wake up, I'll find myself on the Enterprise, in my quarters with a devil of a hangover.'

As he looked up to the young man again, the man's face went completely blank, as if he was about to slump to the ground, causing the priest to say, "Radar, are you alright?"

Radar suddenly came back to his senses and squinted as if he was in unbearably hot white light.

As Scotty watched him, Radar's eyes changed somehow, to a lighter shade of brown and looked somewhat prouder. It took several second before he realized that those where the Russian navigator's eyes, Chekhov's.

"Umm…Excuse me, Father. Chek… I mean… Radar," gesturing to the younger man, who eyes went back to the lad's shade and widened as he looked around, and even wider, if that was possible, when he saw Scotty, to him a typically hairy Lebanese man in the pink Hawaiian hula dancer outfit. "Could can I speak to you?"

"Uh…okay," Chekov said, seeming like he was trying to hide his confusion, which was a trick only a Vulcan can do at this kind of situation. (Which I doubt many have been in)

As they stood and went through the to the doors of the mess tent, which Scotty and Chekov almost walked face first into the hinged doors since they were so used to them sliding open unattended, Scotty could not help but notice that the personnel were not noticing that he was severely out of their uniform. In fact they were treating as if it was completely normal.

They rounded the near corner of the tent were the traffic of people was thinner than heated corn oil and stopped, looking at each other.

"Ensign Pavel Chekov?" Scotty finally asked.

"Aye, that is who I am. How do you know this?" Chekov peered at Scotty closely. This time he saw the momentary change in Klinger's eyes.

"Scotty!"

"Aye, lad," he answered, relieved.

Chekov's bewilderment changed to happy relief, and then humor appeared.

"If you don't mind me asking, sir, but why are you dressed like a hula dancer who's actually from Lebanon?"


	3. Chapter 3 Fermented Shoe Polish

McCoy rubbed his eyes with his hand. The blinding white light was unbearable. When he lowered his hands, the room came into focus, and it could not be more different from the bridge. He was sitting on an uncomfortable cot with a martini glass in his right hand. The tent was very messy on the side he was on, and the other side was so neat that the person must clean three times a day. Beside him on the only clean table on this side was several large glass vials, a burner, and a long coiling copper tube. The word came from far back in his mind, an old-fashioned still. His quirked his eyebrow as high as it would go as he looked around the tent more, an old fashion heating stove sat in the middle of it with a sooty black stove pipe reaching through the top of the tent. To the right of that, on the center pole of the tent hung a mirror, an army helmet filled with water and a bottle shaving cream, cologne and a razor.

A tall red haired man with big feet and blue eyes sporting old earth army fatigues lay on the bunk on the other side of the still, taking a sip of his martini. He made a face and grimaced.

"Ugh, terrible," he said, sitting up. "This is the worst batch we made yet. Hawk, did you spoil the fixings? It tastes like fermented shoe polish."

McCoy shook his head, struggling to conceal his confusion. 'I bet even First Officer Chuckles could not hide his virtually non-existent emotions at this' he thought to himself.

The man did not seem to notice as he swirled the clear liquid "Wait, you don't think Frank could have done it? Ha, I'll bet you would probably get him for this though how can we top off tying him to the flagpole like he was about to be executed?"

"I… sure," McCoy replied, wishing someone he knew would come through the door but no one came. "I think I need a drink," he said truthfully. Well, this man called "Hawk" who's body he was within and this tall guy had set up a still in there tent, it would not raise suspicion to ask for one.

"Yeah, let's go to the officer's club, I'll buy," the man replied, standing and making his way to the door.

"Alright," McCoy agreed, setting the martini glass down and following him into the compound. As they walked across the area, McCoy's nose wrinkled at the revolting reek that met his nostrils.

"What IS that?"

"Well, if the wind is coming from the north it's the cesspool, if it's coming from the south it's the kitchens."

"You mean people eat stuff with a stench like that! And I turned my nose up at Scotty's haggis!"

"Who's Scotty," the man inquired.

"Forget it, he's just a friend of mine," McCoy replied hastily. maybe too quickly, because his acquaintance looked around slightly surprised at him.

'Were Jim and Pointy Ears when I need them!' Bones thought to himself, tightening his jaw.

Unknown to him at this point, Colonel Potter and Frank Burns (I do not need to tell you who they really were) walked in directly in their path right on cue.

"Colonel Potter! Oh, yes and Major Ferretface."

Spock opened his mouth, possibly to say that he saw no logic to refer to him with that impertinent term, but Kirk jabbed him in the ribs with his elbow.

"Quite unnecessary, Jim," Spock said, raising an eyebrow.

With that, McCoy did not need to see the alteration in their eyes; he knew Spock and Kirk were standing right in front of him. Had he not make fun of Spock or tell him something on the Enterprise so many times that made him go into that all too familiar eyebrow lifting routine? He had never been so happy to see Spock in all his life, well that is somewhat untrue. When he was being attacked by a female android, which firm touch caused cellular disruption throughout the entire body he was pretty glad that Spock and a random redshirt (who surprisingly did not die) beamed down, but ye get me point!

"Colonel Potter, we're going to officer's club for a drink, do you want to join us?"

Before Jim could answer the invitation, a rather plump nurse who looked part Japanese and part Hawaiian, ran up to them.

"Doctor Hunnicutt!"

"What is it, Kelly, something wrong?" Hunnicutt said, suddenly alarmed.

"It's Corporal Franklin, he's hemroging again.'

"Damn, his stomach wall is weak. I'll see you later, Hawkeye," he said before he sprinted to a large, only permanent looking, building on the base.

"Spock? Jim?" McCoy asked quietly so the nurse would not hear them. Jim nodded as Spock said, "Affirmative."

"Boys, in the blazes I can't tell you how glad I am to see you!"


	4. THEY ALL FINALLY FOUND EACH OTHER!

That moment, the nurse looked closely at the trio.

"Doctor?" she asked, and then she smiled. "Doctor McCoy!"

"Christine!" exclaimed McCoy, seeing the dark brown eyes turning into his nurse's silvery blue ones.

Meanwhile, Scotty and Chekov were contemplating what they should do now.

"Maybe we should look around; we found each other by looking at each other's eyes, maybe some of the Captain and the others are here, too," suggested Chekov.

"Sound reasonable, we aren't accomplishing anything by standing here, are we?" Scotty replied, rubbing the back of his neck worriedly.

"What the devil is that?!" McCoy said, his (Hawkeye's) eyes widening, fixed on a point past Kirk's (Potter's) shoulder. Kirk, Spock and Chapel looked in that direction.

A particularly hairy Lebanese man wearing a pink hula skirt and two halves of coconuts over each breast was coming towards them, accompanied by a short, young-looking teenager/man with wire-rimmed glasses.

"That's an odd couple," said Kirk, raising Potter's grey eyebrows. Though it was a joking sentence, he did not feel very humorous.

"I believe that person is either insane, or he his trying to convince the army that he needs a section eight."

"Section …?" McCoy asked.

"In this war, and the war after it, the government drafted any able bodied man into the army. Some of them were, or rather, are, reluctant enough to feign insanity be discharged with a section eight."

"Sometimes I wish I could do that on the Enterprise," Doctor McCoy muttered under his breath. Only Spock, though lacking his oversensitive pointy ears, heard the comment, but he merely raised an eyebrow, which looked strange on Frank's wimpy face.

"Mister Spock," Kirk said, glancing at the two as he turned away from the strange "couple." "Do you think some of the others may be here?"

"Insufficient data," Spock said flatly.

"Spock, just guess!" McCoy said, annoyed, tearing his eyes of the strange man a fixing an irritated glare on Frank's blue eyes. "Is it possible or not?"

"Guessing is not in my nature, Doctor McCoy." Spock replied coolly. "But…"

"Spock, you're now in an all human body. You don't…"

"Bones, Spock!" said Kirk hastily, sensing the makings of a full out war between the two, even though Spock would win effortlessly. "Spock, let me rephrase that, could there a possibility?"

"Affirmative, sir."

"I thought you said you couldn't guess, Spock," McCoy said obnoxiously, wriggling his eyebrow toward Hawkeye's black hairline. If Frank looked strange quirking his eyebrow in Spock's fashion, it was less than nothing compared to Hawkeye moving eyebrow in McCoy's fashion. In fact, if any true close follower of MASH would either run for the hills or faint. Or if the victim is obsessed, what I like to call a "mashie," he'd/she'd stare the T.V. completely oblivious to anything in the real world and would have to be trucked to the hospital completely rigid in the position they saw the horrifying scene and heavily sedated so the doctor can remove the remote from his or her hand. So the rest of the mashie's family could watch what they want.

Anyway, Spock answered McCoy coolly, "That was not a guess, it was a fact. If our spirits were transported here into these bodies, then there could be the possibility that the other crewmembers on the bridge, who were in the same general area as us."

"But Mister Spock, I was not on the bridge. I was in sickbay," Christine spoke up, almost causing Kirk and McCoy to jump. They had almost forgotten Nurse Chapel, now short plump, black haired Nurse Kelly was there.

"Sorry, Mister Spock, you're theory sounded good while it lived," Kirk said, glancing over his shoulder absentmindedly.

The Lebanese hula dancer and the boy was a yards right behind him, and even at that distance he could see that there eyes changed, the young man's from blue to brown and the strange guy brown to lighter brown.

"Bones, Spock, did you see what I think I see?"

"Scotty! Chekov!" cried Bones.


	5. Chapter 5 When actors rebel

Please forgive me if I sound a little too serious in this chapter, I just wrote part of my serious story "Icy Passageways"

"Alright, I hope we found all of us," Kirk said after a few minutes of exclaiming who's who, discussing if they found everyone and how they got there.

"What are we doing here?" Chekov said, trying as hard as he could to reform his beloved Russian accent. His new mouth just would not form the appropriate variations.

"Obviously, ensign, we are discussing how we got here." Spock said coolly.

"No, sir, I mean, why are we here?"

"What brought us here?" Nurse Chapel added, interlacing Kelly's tan, pudgy fingers and twisting her new hands.

"Fascinating," Spock said, fixing Frank's puzzled eyes on a point past Potter's shoulder. The others twirled around, but they saw nothing.

"What is it Spock, you saw a fascinating fly specimen?" McCoy said bitterly, swatting at one.

'What is it?" Kirk said, flicking his now blue eyes in the direction of Spock's gaze. He saw nothing in that direction except for a group of random personnel playing basketball, and a large sign that said, "MASH 4077th" and under that painted white words "Best Care Anywhere."

"That sign, captain, MASH 4077th. This place cannot be real."

"What do you mean?" Kirk inquired.

"How can that be true? We're here aren't we?" McCoy asked.

Mister Spock chose to ignore this.

"If I'm not mistaken by your Earth history, there were seven Mobile Army Surgical Hospitals deployed in Korea, none of them which included the 4077th."

"What do you mean, Spock?" McCoy asked.

"I mean that there was a 8054th unit, an 8055th, an 8063rd, an 8076th, an 8209th, an 8225th, unit and a 8228th. MASH 4077 did not exist."

"Yet we are here," Kirk said, doing one of his dramatic moves of looking around. "Could it be possible that Memory Alpha (Scotty flinched he remembered too clearly the librarian) could have their data in error on this era?"

"Improbable, captain, because our script writer lives to close to that era."

"Really? She should be careful, a mortar will tip over her inkwell and feather," said "McCoy." The rest of the cast broke character and snorted.

"CUT!!!!!!!" Elizabeth Uhura stormed on set. "I believe that it was Shakespeare who said 'The world is a stage… and you are crap!!!!' You, Larry Linville that was not in the script!"

She indicated to "Spock" who was now shuffling through his script. "And you Jamie Farr, (She turned to scream at "Scotty") Scotty forgets that librarian female dog because he meets me!"

"Ah, come on, don't pick a Jamie," Alan Alda said, "He offered to store all your stories in his nose. Even with that honker it'll be a tight fit, though."

"Oh, you're so jealous," Jamie said laughing, tapping is long nose.

"I would want it if it was a few feet lower," Alan laughed.

"Then you would be the best lover," Harry Morgan (Kirk) stated, chuckling. "I don't like this script, I don't say "horse hockey" or "mule fritters" once."

"I act like I'm intelligent," Larry Linville said, still shuffling through his script. "I don't like it."

"I'm giving you a make out session with Lorwetta Swit! Want more do you want?"

Alan looked at his own script, "'that is illogical; I thought you said we were taking inventory.'?" He slapped his script down. "Brilliant, this Spock is, he didn't even know that Hot Lips meant to take inventory of each other."

"Shut up, Alan! Your audience!" Elizabeth yelled.

"Oh yeah, the little people in the camera who giggle recorded laughs every time I make a joke. Hi, audience!" He waves at a camera. The cameraman, who was eating a large doughnut, waved back, confused.

"How come I don't get to be Spock,' squeaked up tiny Gary Burgoff. "I've always wanted to kiss Lorwetta."

"Because it's funnier as Frank as Spock, because Hot Lips likes Frank, and he's all logical… never mind, watch the series!" Elizabeth clenched her fists.

"Anyway, Gary, she would have to kiss your forehead, but you'll have a good view of her…"

"Alan!! To much information!" Elizabeth yelled again. "Get back in character, all of you!"

"I think not."

Mike Farrel (B.J. Hunnicutt) walked onset, closely followed by Lorewetta Swit (Hot Lips), William Christopher (Father Mulchahy), David Steirs (Charles Emerson Winchester III), and Igor's actor (Igor the server of the slop called "food")

"What is this, an actor mutiny?!"

"I guess you can call it that it," William Christopher said, pushing up his glasses.

"We want more lines," said Loretta Swit "Me and Mike here."

"What's your problem, David? You don't even appear in this season!" I ask.

"What season is this?"

"Fourth."

Oh, yeah, cue!" He walked off set.

"You and Mike think you have it rough, look at me!" yelled Igor's actor, flailing around a dirty spatula. "I thought you'll be different, Liz, but noooooo! You are like all the other script writer's who don't know my name!"

"Wait, I know it, its... its…."

The actors exchange dark looks.

"Alright! Alright! Meet me tomorrow and I'll alter the script. See ya tomorrow, William, Mike, Alan, Harry, Jamie, Gary, Loretta, Kelly. Oh yeah, and you too, uh… what's you name again?"

Igor's actor shrugged, "How should I know. No one remembers it!"


End file.
